Shadow
by Arashi no Baka
Summary: [ShuuichixYuki][non-fluff] Shuuichi begins to realsie that he's only chasing Shadows [angst galore!]


* * *

Shadow

By Sora

A.k.a Arashi Doragon

* * *

The blank notepad taunted him. 

Or maybe it was just the fact that he couldn't think that tortured him. He was supposed to be writing lyrics for his next song. Lyrics that were due in to Seguchi Tohma, _three days_ ago. Sakano-san had been terrified at the prospect of there being no lyrics to give to the President, and as K had _almost_ pulled the trigger on him, until the President of NG records announced that he could have an extended period to work on the lyrics.

Maybe he knew how much pressure he'd been under recently. Maybe he was actually starting to _like_ him., But more thank likely, he'd probably just heard how things were at home. 

He sighed. 

Trust Tohma to know before anyone else. Not that he was in the least bit surprised. Seguchi-san had an almost uncanny ability to know anything about his lover before anyone mentioned it. He knew why. He wasn't as blind to the situation as most people figured him. He knew how much Tohma cared for his lover. Not that he blamed him. _He_ cared for his lover too. 

And that was the problem.

He'd tried so hard to do everything he could to make his lover see that. Only, he wasn't so sure he was able to carry on. His lover wasn't an easy person to care for. His lover wasn't an easy person to do _anything_ for. He was quick to anger, fast annoyed and more often than not, he'd find himself out in the corridor of their apartment building having been thrown out of the apartment. 

He glared at the notepad, as if it was to blame for all the things going wrong in his life. He'd never been the depressed type. There was just too much he loved to worry about what was going wrong, but lately he'd been getting more and more depressed. And all of it was because of his lover. 

Yuki Eiri. 

The famous novelist. Not that fame was what bothered him, Hell, he had just as much as his lover! No. It was the fact that all he ever seemed to do was chase Yuki's Shadow. 

Hit with inspiration, he twirled the pen through his fingers and scribbled down some lyrics. They'd didn't look so bad. Maybe this was what he needed…He closed his eyes slowly, afraid that if he kept them open, he'd start to cry. Not that _that_ was any different to what he normally did…

__

He can have an extended three days. If the lyrics aren't in by then, Shindou-san, then_ I'll be angry. I know how hard it is for you right now._

Just _what_ had Tohma meant by that? Sure, he _normally_ knew what happened around Eiri, but he'd never told _anyone_ how he felt about Yuki. Not _truly_. He loved him. Kami-sama, he loved him more than he could ever put into words. But he wasn't sure of it was Yuki he was in love with. Or his shadow. 

Hold that, He _did_ know. _He_ loved Uesagi Eiri. But his shadow got in the way. Way too often. It was as though there were two different people in Yuki. And to be truthful, there was. The vibrant, energetic young Uesagi Eiri and the cold, hard, Yuki Eiri. And he'd fallen for the vibrant half. The half that showed through now and then. But Yuki tended to appear too often. And it was during _those_ times that Shuuichi came to realise, he was beginning to lose Eiri. 

Shuuichi stared down at the notepad, shocked to realise that he'd been scribbling this whole time. He sighed slowly, his bangs ruffling in the slight gust. He flicked them out of his eyes and put the pen down. He'd written the lyrics. But that _still_ didn't solve his problem.

Maybe it _couldn't_ be solved. 

Maybe his mind was trying to tell him to give up. But he'd never been that good at giving up, so how the hell could he start now? Besides…he really _did_ love Yuki. Although, maybe loving him wasn't enough anymore. It sure as hell didn't _seem_ like it. 

Lately, his lover had been finding _every_ reason to get angry with him, and Shuuichi couldn't figure it out. He sighed again, this time shutting the notepad. It hurt to look att he lyrics. Even if _he_ was the one that had written them.

He jumped slightly as there was knock at the door. Frowning, Shuuichi looked at his watch. It couldn't be Yuki. The elder man had gone out for the night, and wouldn't be back until early morning, and besides, he would have used his keys. Who'd be calling _this_ late?

He slowly padded his way across the living room and opened the door. His mouth fell open slightly, and he pulled the door back fully, bowing slightly. 

"Seguchi-san…I was just doing the lyrics…"

Tohma cut him off with a wave of his hand. 

"I'm not here for the lyrics Shindou-san…Shuuichi"

Shuuichi's eyes widened. Had _Seguchi-san_ just called him _Shuuichi?_. He must have been staring because Tohma smiled wider, raising a finely curved eyebrow. Shuuichi felt a blush creep across his cheek and he motioned into the apartment. 

"Would you like to come in?"

The blonde nodded slowly, before hesitating. As if on cue, a brown haired from leapt into the apartment, wrapping Shuuichi into a death hug. 

"SHUUICHI SPARKLE!!!!! WE MISSE DYOU NA NO DA!"

Shuuichi started in surprise as Sakuma Ryuuichi glomped him. He was dressed, for once, in normal clothes, but still had Kumagorou sitting almost perfectly on his head. Shuuichi managed to pry the Nittle Grasper vocalist off, who, unfazed, bounded round the apartment looking for 'Yuki-san'. Shuuichi was too distracted to tell his idol that Yuki had gone out.

He shifted uncomfortably under the gaze Tohma was giving him. 

"Uh…I don't mean to b rude Seguchi-san…but…if you didn't come for the lyrics…why?…"

He trailed off, not wanting to anger the President of NG records. Tohma just smiled. He motioned at the seat Shuuichi had previously left and the Bad Luck vocalist sat back down. Tohma took a seat opposite. Sighing slowly, the elder man looked right into Shuuichi's eyes. 

"I've noticed a certain…_direction_ to your lyrics recently. I was concerned that maybe something was wrong."

Shuuichi closed his eyes. He didn't want to discuss his relationship with _anybody_ let alone Seguchi Tohma. But at the same time, he realised slowly, that the more he kept it to himself, the more it would drive him insane. 

He hadn't wanted to tell Hiro. After everything that Hiro had done to get Shuuichi and Yuki together, Shuuichi didn't think it fair to tell Hiro that things Werner as okay as Hiro had suspected...besides….Shuuichi wasn't even sure _anything_ was wrong. 

Except for that little voce in his heart that told him otherwise. 

Before Shuuichi could answer Tohma, Ryuuichi bounded out of the bedroom, looking utterly depressed. 

"Can't find Yuki anywhere na no da!"

Shuuichi looked at Ryuuichi, unable to speak for a moment. When Ryuuichi saw the look on the younger boys face, he instantly became concerned.

"Is something wrong na no da?"

Shuuichi felt the tears spring to his eyes, even as he denied to both Ryuuichi and himself that there was something wrong. Ryuuichi didn't believe him either. Shuuichi had always been amazed at how easily Ryuuichi could switch between persona. It was slightly unnerving as well as slightly scary. 

He watched it now, as Ryuuichi seemed to straighten and his voice lost the child-like quality that Shuuichi had always loved. 

"If something hurts you this much Shuuichi…is it worth doing at all?"

Shuuichi, startled, looked at Tohma, who wore the same expression as Ryuuichi. 

Suddenly, Shuuichi wasn't sure of anything. 

* * *

He stared at the lyrics in his hands as if they were poison. 

Blinking back the tears, he stared up at Hiro. His best friend had quickly given him his support after telling him what he planned to do today. There had been no hostility as Shuuichi had suspected. Hiro had only been concerned that maybe he was making a mistake. 

But Shuuichi knew he wasn't. 

Sighing slowly, he brought his gaze to meet that of their Keyboardist, Fujisaki Suguru. 

"I'm sorry about the late change Suguru-kun"

"Saa…it's okay…lets see the lyrics..."

Shuuichi handed them to his band-mate who's eyes flickered down them. He heard the suck in of breath and then Suguru's brown eyes met Shuuichi's lilac ones. 

"It's none of my business Shu…but…are you sure you want to do this?"

Shuuichi nodded slowly at his friend and then reached over for the lyrics. Suguru handed them over silently and Shuuichi waited for the criticism. It never came. 

"If you're sure Shu…."

Shuuichi smiled slowly, thankful that he had such good friends. 

"Saa….thank you Suguru!"

Before the boy had time to blink, Shuuichi had launched himself at his friend, enveloping him in a hug, before leaping away, rubbing the back of his head nervously. 

"Uh…we should get ready…"

Suguru just smiled. 

* * *

The screams were almost deafening. 

Shuuichi stared at the crowd and for one of the few times since he'd started this, felt like throwing up. He waited for the screams to die down, or at least dip _slightly_ in volume, before starting to speak. As he formed the words, his eyes searched frantically through the crowd. 

As if on cue, he spotted Tohma, Ryuuichi and …his heart stopped. True to their word, the boys of Nittle Grasper had gotten Yuki tot he concert.

Shuuichi felt his heart stop. 

This was _really_ it. The moment he…he closed his eyes, wishing himself strength. He felt two hands on ether shoulder and looked up at his band-mates. They were smiling encouragement. He nodded and they stepped back, taking their places. 

"HELLO!"

The cheers almost deafened Shuuichi, but he continued on briefly. His words were almost drowned out by the crowd, and he wasn't really focusing on what he was saying. He was more focused on the man in the crowd. The man who had stolen his heart. 

And broken it so many times, it couldn't _ever_ be fixed again. 

"This song is called Shadow…its one I just wrote and its dedicated to someone _very_ close to me…"

Hiro struck up the first chords on his guitar, and Suguru came in soon after Slowly, Shuuichi started to sing. 

"Your body is warm but you are not  
You give a little not a lot  
You coup your love until we kiss  
You're all I want but not like this  
I'm watching you disappear  
But you, you were never here"

Shuuichi closed his eyes, both out of fear of seeing Yuki's face, and out of the fear that he'd burst into tears on stage. Both Hiro and Suguru continues on, despite sensing the distress of their band-mate. Shuuichi took a breath, and continued to sing.  
  
"It's only a shadow  
Never yourself  
It's only a shadow  
Nobody else  
It's only a shadow  
Filling the room  
Arriving to late  
And leaving to soon  
And leaving to soon"

Shuuichi's voice hitched, but he couldn't give up now. His heart, and mind, were set. Hiro, who' eyes were on the crowd, noticed the deadpan expression on Yuki's face. He had o idea what the man was thinking. Ryuuichi looked sad, and Tohma, surprisingly, had no smile on his face. 

Shuuichi ignored it all

  
  
"Your body gives but then holds back  
The sun is bright  
The sky is black  
Can only be another sign  
I cannot keep what isn't mine  
You laughter, it lingers on  
But you, you were almost gone"

The crowd was starting to notice something was up. Their noise was gradually lessening, as they caught the actual _lyrics_. This wasn't the upbeat songs their band usually played...this was...well…_depressing_. it wasn't _Shuuichi_ at all. 

Still Shuuichi sang on. 

  
"It's only a shadow  
Never yourself  
It's only a shadow  
Nobody else  
It's only a shadow  
Filling the room  
Arriving to late  
And leaving to soon  
And leaving to soon"

Shuuichi was too into the song now to stop. And still he kept his eyes closed. He could feel the tears…waiting. He shivered slightly as he came close to the end of the song. He felt..._wrong._ this wasn't him. He wasn't singing this. Somewhere he and Yuki were at home…watching Tv…or…_something_. 

Anything but this…

  
  
"How can I tell if you mean what you say  
You say it so loud but you sound far away  
Maybe I had just glimpse of your soul  
Or was that your shadow I saw on the wall  
I'm watching you disappear  
But you, you were never here"

  
"It's only a shadow  
Never yourself  
It's only a shadow  
Nobody else  
It's only a shadow  
Filling the room  
Arriving to late  
And leaving to soon  
And leaving to soon"

As he came to the last verse of the song, Shuuichi worked up the courage to open his eyes. Ignoring the tears, ignoring the imploring looks of the crowd, he made his eyes meet those of his lover. He almost died at what he saw. But somehow...with strength he didn't know he possessed, Shuuichi continued to sing. 

  
  
"It's only a shadow  
Never yourself  
It's only a shadow  
Nobody else  
It's only a shadow  
Filling the room  
Arriving to late  
And leaving to soon  
And leaving to soon  
  
It's only your shadow"

Shuuichi almost whispered the last word his voice cracking even as he did so. He shivered as he looked at the crowd. 

Yuki walked out of the hall. 

* * *

Shuuichi stared at the apartment that had been his for so long. He was leaning it…forever…leaving _Yuki_ forever. He felt his heart clench. But he knew he was doing the right thing. 

He had seen the light. Shining on his lover…but just making the Shadow stronger….

* * *

Sora: Well…I hope you liked. Just a few things first…This was my _first_ Gravi fic…so I'd appreciate feedback ^^;;. Also, the bit with Seguchi Tohma visiting Shuuichi? Well…please bear in mind that I hope he doesn't appear _too_ OOC but he _only_ brought Ryuuichi to see Shuuichi, _knowing_ that his friend would…_help_ Shu. Anyway's…hope you like. *runs away*

* * *

Disclaimer: Gravitation is not mine. Nor is the song, Shadow. Please don't sue me. If you do, I'll sick my Evil Kumagorou on you. 


End file.
